Wednesday, June 20, 2018

I am told that these may be the 3 most terrifying words to ever hear.  I guess I don’t know.  They’ve never been said to me.  They have been said to my mother-in-law and 2 of my husband’s very dear aunts as well as to my own mother.  So far, they have all lived through it.  But now, they have been said to my husband for the FOURTH time.  He is 48 years old.  Today, as I write this, I am turning 46.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  Young (OK, middle aged) people aren’t SUPPOSED to KEEP getting cancer.  Our daughter only just graduated from HS.  Our son is just entering 8th grade and starting in the High School band.  We have far too many things still to do.
I know things are difficult for my husband as he faces yet another surgery.  Especially since for this one, he has to go to a more advanced doctor that is several hours away.  Once he gets through the surgery and recovery they want him to do treatments every 2 weeks for a year.  Sure, I can give you all the specifics and details if you are interested, but that’s not really the intention of this post.  I don’t mean to sound crass, but this it MY blog, so I’m going to use it to dump MY feelings….because here’s the thing, I can’t really do it anywhere else….
OK, first I should get something out of the way.  The current cancer is fairly small, and the prognosis for him not dying from this occurrence is quite good…though there are some very possible and very serious side effects that we may have to deal with.  But here is the point.  This is the FOURTH time, in only about 6 years that my husband has heard the words YOU HAVE CANCER.  All in different parts of his body, only this one caught because they were actually LOOKING for Cancer.  I feel fairly sure my husband will die of cancer.  I’m too young to be a widow. 
Now, before I come off as a selfish bitch (which I probably AM…but that’s a different blog post….) think of it like this for just a moment.  When you hear “YOU HAVE CANCER”, the absolute WORST outcome is that you die…well, suffer painfully and then die….but when someone else tells you “I HAVE CANCER”, you face a much more difficult fate… WITHOUT that person.  If you are reading this and you don’t know me well, I will give you a bit of background.  We got married at 19 and 21.  Most people will tell you that’s stupid.  While I don’t 100% disagree, we DID realize that we both still had growing up to do, that we would grow up at a different pace from each other, and that it would not always be easy.  The hope was that we would go through it (whatever IT was) TOGETHER…..and we are ALMOST THERE…..we made it 26 YEARS….almost to the part where life starts to slow down and we can figure out if we actually still like each other after all this time.  But who knows if that will happen….
The real kicker is that’s not even the worst part.  The worst part is not knowing what I am supposed to DO.  For hubby, it’s easy.  Schedule appointments, keep them, do what the doctor’s say.  Learn to enjoy life.  Make the most of every moment with our children.  For me…..not so much.  How do I balance all the things I am SUPPOSED to be, and all the things I am feeling…..
I’m feel SAD….I am worried and I am sad.  It is hard to watch someone you care about go through this and figure out what is most important in case these days are all they have.  Knowing all the things that they still want to do that they may not get to (like own his own food business) and wish I could somehow make them happen.  Wish that my kids would grow up faster so he can see them become the amazing people we know they are destined to be, and see just what that will look like.  Hope that he sees them both graduate High School and College.  Pray that he gets to walk our daughter down the aisle and gets to hold our grandchildren.
I feel SELFISH….This isn’t what MY life is supposed to be and I’m MAD….I shouldn’t have to take time off from my new job that seems pretty great for medical appointments and surgery dates….it’s selfish of me to worry more about a job than my spouse….(but maybe not since I need a job, right?).  I’m upset because I haven’t been with him at any of those appointments, because I’ve always had to be doing something else.  We are supposed to be able to enjoy being at a point where we can run an errand or even have date night and not have to get a sitter…but instead we always have this hanging over our heads, or right there in the background….I’m selfish because I want the things in my life to be a big deal…but they’re not…because I’m not dying.
I feel STRONG…because this is what I have to be.  I’m not ALLOWED to be sad, because then my kids will be sad.  I don’t want them to be sad, because they need to enjoy time with their dad as much as possible….just in case.  I have to sometimes choose work over being at every appointment, because we need a paycheck coming in when he is off.  I have to keep things moving because there may come a time when I’m the only one here to do that.  I have to do my best to be understanding when the depression that has existed in him for a long time is too much to bear some days because of this added strain.  I have to keep going, because sometimes that is all I can give. 
I feel STRESSED….because our lives are still busy and we still have so much going on that just doesn’t stop.  I have no idea what feelings are appropriate when, and who is judging me for the reactions they see on any given day.  Today is a perfect example.  I started out selfish….it is after all, my birthday….I arrived to work to a pile of presents on the table that is my current work station (office in process…maybe that’s a future post)…I felt spoiled and special, and like my job switch a couple months ago was 100% the right choice….and then a text that appointments were being moved around, the process was being “sped up”…not sure why, but this isn’t usually a good sign…and it all comes crashing down.  Then I sit here in tears writing a blog post, hoping my co-worker isn’t judging me.  Hopefully, I finish the day in strength…putting on a brave face at home….
If you made it this far, thank you for reading.  Feel free to share thoughts or advice, or just say a little prayer for my family….feel free to share…any advice welcome…hugs…


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Blasphemy and BS

Ever feel like the world around you has gone totally batty?  Yeah.

Got passed over for a promotion.  They are filling the empty desk of my former work BFF with evil, I haven't scrap booked in over a week, and even my scrappy message board that I love has drama for the first time since it was created over 6 months ago.

Maybe I need to do something crafty.  Maybe I need to drink more.  Maybe it's the holidays.  Oh heck, who knows?

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Early August Update

I've actually been able to make a few scrapbook pages in August.  July got so busy and I got almost nothing done, other than working 120 hours in 2 weeks!

It's calmed down a little bit now at work.  I did put my name in for a promotion yesterday, and I'm super nervous.  I'm pretty sure I won't get it, but at least I tried.

Also, today I filmed and am currently uploading my first YouTube video.  Look me up!  (I'm Shawnlyn72 on YouTube)

Friday, August 2, 2013

Earned the blog name today!

My typical craft purchase is $10 or under – on a big day $20.

The other day, I went into M’s when I was totally broke, and of course found a bunch of cute stuff.  So, I promised myself that when payday came (which is the payday for the TON of overtime I worked the last couple weeks) I would splurge and get some of the cute things.  So, here is my crafty bounty!

First, I went CRAZY in the dollar section (1stphoto)

Then, I found some cute  and useful clearance (2nd photo).

The things not pictured are:

-          Maggie Homes/Crate paper pad (I used a 40% off J’s coupon)

-          2 acrylic pencil boxes for the kiddies (for school – they can decorate)

-          Sn@p letters – because I have wanted them ever since I saw them

-          Some yellow patterned paper because I have very little in my stash that is yellow, and I’m trying to use more of that color

-          A package of recollection back to school papers in 4 1/2x 6 ½ size to use for the calendars I make, and some Bazzill cardstock that coordinates

And that’s it!!!!  I spent $62!!!!  I got great deals, but I NEVER spend that much!  I truly went wild (also the name of my blog)….which felt GREAT, actually since I woke up with really horrible cramps and a horrific migraine!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Wild, wild week

So, this was one of the most exhausting weeks EVER!  I worked 70.5 hours at work taking back to back calls all week and including at least 2 of our call center's busiest days ever! 

Today, Sunday, 7/21 is my first day off in 13 days.  So I stayed up late last night, I made the 1st scrapbook page I had made in almost 2 weeks. 

This morning I stayed in bed until almost 11, then went and grabbed lunch for me and the kiddos, and we are just relaxing.  Maybe drive-in later, but that depends on the weather.  I also have to get my daughter's Shutterfly album from Florida created. 

So that's pretty much my day.  Happy Sunday, all!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

So, it's an exciting time.  I guess it always is.  My desprtment at work just moved across town to a new building, the bank just bought 24 branches of a VERY LARGE bank (Bank of America), and that conversion is about a month away.  I've been asked to supervise some of the temps they are brining in.  All vey exciting work stuff.

My birthday is tomorrow.  I'll be 41.  I really don't feel that old, and can't imagine it.  Oh well.  I'm off work, so me and the little man are going to try to do something fun. 

We leave for Florida as soon as I get off work on Friday.  Exciting, but lots to do.  Really, we are going to pick up D who spent a week in Bradenton with scouts, and then a week with my parent's, who movedto North Ft. Myers last year.  I hven't seen their house yet, so i'm excited about that.

I also finally finished my bachelor's degree in May, and am trying to figure out where to finish.  The good news is that I am feeling so super creative lately.  I have 6 months of calendar pages completely done already, and have completed almost 100 scrapbook pages/projects/cards just since I got out of school.....I have scrapped more in thepast 2 months that I had in the past 2 years.  It makes me feel so, 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Hippie Project

OK, So I am just as addicted to Pinterest as most of the rest of the world. Several months ago, I decided to try the home-ade laundry detergent. I was tired of paying a ridiculous amount for who knows what chemicals and having all kinds of reactions, plus the money savings is UNBELIEVABLE. My husband has really enjoyed making fun of me and calling me a hippie (which is funny, because I am nearly the complete opposite) but he likes the results. Since that experience was so amazing, I've now tried a whole bunch of other DIY household "recipes". Many of them build on the same few basic ingredients.

I've compiled a few pages of the best ones I have found (mostly for my internet-challenged aunt, who actually is a hippie). I figured since I already had them gathered, why not share....

These ARE NOT MY recipes. Most are from posts on Pinterest. I merely put them together in one list.

I also have NOT tried every one of these recipes, but I plan to try most. ENJOY!!

4 lb 12 ox box of Borax (laundry aisle)
4 lb box Baking Soda (from baking aisle – actually my
Wal-Mart now stocks this box in the laundry aisle)
55oz (3lb 7 oz) box Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
(laundry aisle)
3 bars Fels Naptha soap (laundry aisle - )
2 tubs Oxy Clean (I used SUN
brand from Wal-Mart, but I think the dollar store might also have some) –
get around 3.5 lbs.
Grate the bars of
soap and then mix with the powders in a trash bag inside a 5 gallon
bucket. Smell is strong while you are
making it (but good).

To Use – I use the
scoop that came in the Oxy cleaner and use 1-2 scoops per load. Don't be alarmed that IT DOES NOT GET "Sudsy".

6 cups water
3 cups white vinegar
2 cups hair conditioner
Mix. The warmer
the water, the better the conditioner will "melt". You can also cut the recipe in half, because
this makes a bunch. I use a little less
water. You won't get much scent, but it
will smell like vinegar, but the clothes do not have a scent I can smell.

1/8 cup fabric softener (I use the homemade kind above)
2 Tablespoons Baking Soda
Hot water to fill 32 oz. spray bottle
Mix. Spray.

(soap scum
1 cup BLUE
Dawn dish soap – not sure why it needs to be blue, but it does.
1 cup white vinegar
Heat vinegar until
warm (Not boiling), mix with dawn in spray bottle. Spray on shower and allow to sit (the longer
the better) – then wipe and/or rinse.
Say hello to a shiny shower!

(like Shout)
2/3 c Dawn Dish detergent
2/3 c ammonia
6 Tablespoons banking Soda
2 c. warm water
Mix in a bowl and
use a funnel to put into a bottle. Shake
before using, because baking soda will settle.
Spray in stain and allow to sit before washing. DO not use with anything containing bleach.

Grate 2 bars of
soap with a FINE cheese grater
Mix with 2 cups of
water in a saucepan and heat until the soap is dissolved. Pour into bottles and allow to sit overnight.

1 ½ c Lemi-Shine (this is a whole 12 oz container)
1 ½ c Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
½ c baking soda
½ sea salt
Use 2 Tablespoons
per load.

1 c rubbing alcohol or high proof clear grain alcohol
(everclear, vodka)
¼ c white vinegar
¼ teaspoon liquid soap (like castille soap)
Combine alcohol
and vinegar in a bucket; add water to make half a gallon. Add soap and stir gently to combine. Fill spray bottle and store extra in bottle.

16 oz baby lotion (I used the lavender nighttime scent)
8 oz. Vaseline
8 oz. Vitamin E Cream (I found this on a bottom shelf at
Mix with an
electric mixer until it looks like cake icing.
Put in containers (I bought the baby lotion with a pump dispenser and
put my finished lotion back in that bottle)

Kitchen Cleaner/ Disinfectant
Stuff Citrus peels
in a jar with a tight-fitting lid. Pour
white vinegar into jar to completely cover peels. Allow jar to sit, shaking a couple of time
each week (do NOT open). The longer the
jar sits, the more concentrated the cleaner will become. It needs to sit at least a week. At one week, it can be used full
strength. At 2 months, it should be
mixed with approximately 2 parts water to one part mix. Put in spray bottle for counters, tables,
cabinets, any general cleaning.

hand scrub
1 ½ c. sugar
1/3 c. kosher salt
zest of 1 large lemon (or other citrus)
1 c. olive oil
¼ tsp pure citrus extract (lemon, orange, etc...)
Mix all
ingredients well. Extract, if added will
provide a stronger scent. Spoon into a
jar (fits perfectly in 1 pint canning jar).
This is a great scrub to use for dry skin, and will even help remove
strong odors like onion and garlic.

disk Cold remedy (like Vicks
Shower Soothers)
2-3 cups of baking soda
Essential Oils (lavender, rosemary, eucalyptus)
Put Baking Soda in
a bowl, add water until a thick paste forms, add 15 drops of each oil. Spoon into a muffin tin (with liners). Let sit overnight, or bake 20 minutes at
350. Put disk in the bottom of a nice
warm shower and let the vapors clear your stuffy head.

Pour half a box of
baking soda into drain. Add about 1 cup
of vinegar until it foams. Allow to
settle and repeat. Allow to sit, unused
for at least and hour, then rinse with hot water.

Fill a small spray
bottle with vinegar and spray in areas that need freshening. It kills germs a neutralizes odor, and the
vinegar scent really doesn't linger.

Hand Soap
Grate or finely
chop 1 bar of soap
Bring 4 cups of
water to a boil
Turn off heat
under water, and add the grated soap.
Stir until all the soap is melted and the mixture is fully
combined. It will be very liquidy. Cool 15 minutes and then stir again. It will be a little thicker. Continue cooling several hours or
overnight. Stir to check consistency. If it is too think, add more water, if too
thin heat and add more grated soap. Once
it is the correct consistency, essential oil or soap coloring can be
added. Then pour into dispensers (or use
recipe below to make it go EVEN FURTHER)

Hand Soap
Pour 1 tablespoon
of liquid hand soap (can use recipe above) into an empty foaming soap
dispenser. Fill the rest of dispenser
with warm water (leaving a bit of space at the top). Replace lid on dispenser, shake and pump a
couple of times to get foam working.

Lavender Lip Balm
4 Tbsp jojoba, almond, or olive oil
1 Tbsp grated beeswax or beeswax pearls
1 tsp honey
1/4 tsp vitamin E oil (or 3 punctured, squeezed out
liquid vitamin E capsules)
7 drops lavender essential oil (or other essential oil)
1 tsp cocoa powder (optional)
1 tsp colored, natural lipstick (optional, if you want it
to have a hint of color)
Warm the oils,
beeswax and honey in a small, stainless steel pot or bowl. Be sure to warm it
on VERY low heat. (You can use a double boiler, if you’d like.) Stir until the
beeswax is completely melted. Remove from heat and quickly whisk in the
essential oil, vitamin E, cocoa powder, and colored lipstick. Place the bottom
of the bowl into a shallow pan of ice water and continue whisking quickly as
you add the honey. Once the honey is incorporated, quickly transfer the balm
into your lip balm container (tube or tin) and allow to set for 3 hours.

Lip Balm
2 Tbsp coconut oil
1 Tbsp grated cocoa butter
1 Tbsp dried rosebuds (or any dried flower, green tea,
1/4 tsp vitamin E oil (or 3 punctured, squeezed out
vitamin E capsules)
3 drops rose essential oil (optional, or substitute
lavender, vanilla, or sweet orange)
On very low heat,
melt the coconut oil in a small stainless steel bowl or pot. After the oil is
liquid, add your roses (or other dried flowers) and stir well. Allow to steep
(again, on very low heat) for 1 hour. Strain oil into a bowl through a
fine-mesh sieve or cheesecloth. Wipe out your original heating pot/bowl, pour
oil back in, and return to heat. Add cocoa butter and stir until melted. Remove
from heat, add vitamin E oil and essential oil and stir well. Transfer to a
small container and let set for 3 hours (or until completely set).

Chocolate Lip Balm
1 Tbsp grated beeswax or beeswax pearls
1/8 c. coconut oil
1/2 Tbsp shea butter
1/2 Tbsp cocoa butter
1/2 tsp honey
1 tsp cocoa powder
1/8 tsp vitamin E oil (or 2 punctured, squeezed out
vitamin E capsules)
3 drops peppermint essential oil
Place the shea and
cocoa butters in a small pot or double boiler, and add the coconut oil. Heat
over VERY low heat for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally. (Try not to let the
mixture go over 175 degrees, or the shea butter could end up a little gritty.)
Add the beeswax and stir well. After the beeswax has completely melted, remove
the mixture from the heat and add the essential oil, honey, vitamin E, and
cocoa powder, whisking well the whole time. After everything is incorporated
and smooth, transfer to a lip balm tube or tin and allow to set for 3 hours.