scrappergonewild

“YOU HAVE CANCER”

I am told that these may be the 3 most terrifying words to ever hear.  I guess I don’t know.  They’ve never been said to me.  They have been said to my mother-in-law and 2 of my husband’s very dear aunts as well as to my own mother.  So far, they have all lived through it.  But now, they have been said to my husband for the FOURTH time.  He is 48 years old.  Today, as I write this, I am turning 46.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  Young (OK, middle aged) people aren’t SUPPOSED to KEEP getting cancer.  Our daughter only just graduated from HS.  Our son is just entering 8^th grade and starting in the High School band.  We have far too many things still to do.

I know things are difficult for my husband as he faces yet another surgery.  Especially since for this one, he has to go to a more advanced doctor that is several hours away.  Once he gets through the surgery and recovery they want him to do treatments every 2 weeks for a year.  Sure, I can give you all the specifics and details if you are interested, but that’s not really the intention of this post.  I don’t mean to sound crass, but this it MY blog, so I’m going to use it to dump MY feelings….because here’s the thing, I can’t really do it anywhere else….

OK, first I should get something out of the way.  The current cancer is fairly small, and the prognosis for him not dying from this occurrence is quite good…though there are some very possible and very serious side effects that we may have to deal with.  But here is the point.  This is the FOURTH time, in only about 6 years that my husband has heard the words YOU HAVE CANCER.  All in different parts of his body, only this one caught because they were actually LOOKING for Cancer.  I feel fairly sure my husband will die of cancer.  I’m too young to be a widow. 

Now, before I come off as a selfish bitch (which I probably AM…but that’s a different blog post….) think of it like this for just a moment.  When you hear “YOU HAVE CANCER”, the absolute WORST outcome is that you die…well, suffer painfully and then die….but when someone else tells you “I HAVE CANCER”, you face a much more difficult fate…..life WITHOUT that person.  If you are reading this and you don’t know me well, I will give you a bit of background.  We got married at 19 and 21.  Most people will tell you that’s stupid.  While I don’t 100% disagree, we DID realize that we both still had growing up to do, that we would grow up at a different pace from each other, and that it would not always be easy.  The hope was that we would go through it (whatever IT was) TOGETHER…..and we are ALMOST THERE…..we made it 26 YEARS….almost to the part where life starts to slow down and we can figure out if we actually still like each other after all this time.  But who knows if that will happen….

The real kicker is that’s not even the worst part.  The worst part is not knowing what I am supposed to DO.  For hubby, it’s easy.  Schedule appointments, keep them, do what the doctor’s say.  Learn to enjoy life.  Make the most of every moment with our children.  For me…..not so much.  How do I balance all the things I am SUPPOSED to be, and all the things I am feeling…..

I’m feel SAD….I am worried and I am sad.  It is hard to watch someone you care about go through this and figure out what is most important in case these days are all they have.  Knowing all the things that they still want to do that they may not get to (like own his own food business) and wish I could somehow make them happen.  Wish that my kids would grow up faster so he can see them become the amazing people we know they are destined to be, and see just what that will look like.  Hope that he sees them both graduate High School and College.  Pray that he gets to walk our daughter down the aisle and gets to hold our grandchildren.

I feel SELFISH….This isn’t what MY life is supposed to be and I’m MAD….I shouldn’t have to take time off from my new job that seems pretty great for medical appointments and surgery dates….it’s selfish of me to worry more about a job than my spouse….(but maybe not since I need a job, right?).  I’m upset because I haven’t been with him at any of those appointments, because I’ve always had to be doing something else.  We are supposed to be able to enjoy being at a point where we can run an errand or even have date night and not have to get a sitter…but instead we always have this hanging over our heads, or right there in the background….I’m selfish because I want the things in my life to be a big deal…but they’re not…because I’m not dying.

I feel STRONG…because this is what I have to be.  I’m not ALLOWED to be sad, because then my kids will be sad.  I don’t want them to be sad, because they need to enjoy time with their dad as much as possible….just in case.  I have to sometimes choose work over being at every appointment, because we need a paycheck coming in when he is off.  I have to keep things moving because there may come a time when I’m the only one here to do that.  I have to do my best to be understanding when the depression that has existed in him for a long time is too much to bear some days because of this added strain.  I have to keep going, because sometimes that is all I can give. 

I feel STRESSED….because our lives are still busy and we still have so much going on that just doesn’t stop.  I have no idea what feelings are appropriate when, and who is judging me for the reactions they see on any given day.  Today is a perfect example.  I started out selfish….it is after all, my birthday….I arrived to work to a pile of presents on the table that is my current work station (office in process…maybe that’s a future post)…I felt spoiled and special, and like my job switch a couple months ago was 100% the right choice….and then a text that appointments were being moved around, the process was being “sped up”…not sure why, but this isn’t usually a good sign…and it all comes crashing down.  Then I sit here in tears writing a blog post, hoping my co-worker isn’t judging me.  Hopefully, I finish the day in strength…putting on a brave face at home….

If you made it this far, thank you for reading.  Feel free to share thoughts or advice, or just say a little prayer for my family….feel free to share…any advice welcome…hugs…

Shawn